The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Guide for Couples
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Guide for Couples
(Based on Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books.)
Strong marriages don’t happen by chance, they’re created by couples who intentionally invest in each other and their shared dreams. At the FP Foundation, we believe strong marriages form the backbone of thriving families and communities. That’s why we’re excited to share key insights from John Gottman’s bestselling marriage guide, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We would also love to send you a free copy if you are interested in reading more!
Why a Strong Marriage Matters
A healthy marriage isn’t free from conflict. How you navigate life’s storms together is what matters most in these times of conflict. Research shows that couples who intentionally invest in their relationship enjoy greater emotional well-being, healthier families, and even physical health benefits. Gottman’s decades of research observing real couples in his “Love Lab” reveal that lasting marriages are built on daily habits, not grand gestures.
Understanding the Seven Principles
Gottman summarizes his findings into seven core principles designed to help couples deepen connection, manage conflict, and create shared purpose. Below, we explore each principle and what it means for your relationship.
Principle 1 – Enhance Your Love Maps
What are Love Maps?
A “love map” is your mental blueprint of your partner’s inner world: their dreams, fears, memories, and joys. Knowing these details keeps your connection strong, even when life changes.
How to Build a Deeper Connection
Ask open-ended questions about your spouse’s hopes, struggles, or recent joys. Take time weekly to check in beyond logistics. We encourage couples to turn these conversations into meaningful rituals, like a Saturday morning coffee date. Scheduling time for each other isn’t a lack of romance, it’s proof that nurturing your marriage is a top priority.
Principle 2 – Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
The Role of Appreciation in Marriage
Admiration acts as a buffer during conflict. Gottman’s research shows couples who regularly express appreciation are more resilient when disagreements arise. By consistently affirming your partner’s value and contributions, you create a positive emotional bank account that protects your relationship during tough seasons.
Practical Ways to Show Fondness Daily
Leave a note in their lunch, send an encouraging text, or express gratitude for small efforts. Even a simple “thank you” can transform the atmosphere of a home.
Principle 3 – Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
The Power of Small Gestures
Turning toward, even briefly, builds trust over time. Your partner’s small bids for attention, like a quick comment or a sigh, are opportunities to connect. Being present, physically, mentally, and emotionally, can make a world of difference in your marriage and home.
How to Strengthen Emotional Bonds
Pause your scroll to make eye contact. Offer a reassuring touch. These moments of turning toward each other create a sense of “us” even in busy seasons.
Principle 4 – Let Your Partner Influence You
Why Mutual Influence Matters
Lasting marriages aren’t power struggles. Gottman found that couples who share decision-making and respect each other’s opinions are happier.
Building a Partnership of Equals
Invite your spouse’s perspective when making plans. If your partner suggests a new approach, stay open-minded. Equality isn’t about keeping score, it’s about mutual respect.
Principle 5 – Solve Your Solvable Problems
Conflict Resolution Strategies That Work
Use a soft start-up when bringing up issues. Criticisms framed gently lead to better outcomes. Practice compromise by focusing on shared goals rather than individual wins.
When to Compromise and When to Stand Firm
Some values are core to your identity. Clarify which issues are negotiable and which aren’t, then approach discussions with curiosity, not defensiveness.
Principle 6 – Overcome Gridlock
Identifying and Addressing Core Issues
Gridlock occurs when a recurring conflict masks deeper values or dreams. For example, a disagreement about money might represent a longing for security for one partner and a longing for adventure for the other. Recognizing that the argument isn’t really about the surface-level issue, like budgeting or vacation plans, can shift the tone from frustration to curiosity. Instead of debating numbers or logistics, try asking open-ended questions to uncover the emotional meaning behind your partner’s stance.
Finding Common Ground in Disagreements
Explore what each conflict represents emotionally. Ask: “What dream of yours is at stake here?” Even if you don’t fully agree, honoring each other’s dreams reduces tension. Look for shared values that can guide compromise, and once these common threads are identified, you can brainstorm creative solutions that meet both needs.
Principle 7 – Create Shared Meaning
The Importance of Shared Dreams and Goals
Marriage is more than a legal commitment, it’s a daily opportunity to grow closer, deepen trust, and create a shared story that lasts a lifetime. It’s the vision you create as a couple: the traditions you honor, the values you uphold, and the future you imagine side by side. Shared meaning gives your relationship a sense of purpose beyond the day-to-day, anchoring you when life feels chaotic. It can include everything from the legacy you hope to leave your children, to the way you approach holidays, to the kind of impact you want to have on your community.
Building Rituals of Connection
Develop traditions, from family dinners to holiday rituals, that reinforce your values. Even simple practices, like a weekly walk to reflect on your goals, or a monthly “dream date” to discuss your future, or a shared gratitude journal, can remind you that your marriage is a partnership with a bigger story. When you intentionally weave your values and dreams into daily life, you’re not just surviving marriage, you’re crafting a shared narrative full of meaning, joy, and resilience.
Taking Action to Strengthen Your Relationship
John Gottman’s seven principles are practical tools for couples who want to thrive in their marriages. Whether you’ve been married for decades or are newly engaged, applying these insights can transform your relationship.
At the FP Foundation, we’re passionate about equipping couples with resources to grow stronger together. We would be honored to aid you with tools to help build upon your marriage foundation and take the first step toward a deeper, more joyful partnership today. Feel free to reach out to us to inquire about how we can help you!
FAQs
What are the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work?
Gottman’s research-backed strategies are: Enhance Love Maps, Nurture Fondness and Admiration, Turn Toward Each Other, Let Your Partner Influence You, Solve Solvable Problems, Overcome Gridlock, and Create Shared Meaning.
How can couples apply these principles in daily life?
Start small: schedule intentional check-ins, express gratitude daily, and respond to your partner’s bids for connection.
Do these principles work for all types of relationships?
While designed for married couples, but they’re applicable to long-term partnerships and even engaged couples.
What if my partner isn’t interested in working on our marriage?
You can model the principles yourself—turning toward, showing admiration, and inviting influence can often inspire openness.
Can these principles help couples dealing with serious conflicts?
Yes, but in cases of deep hurt or trauma, pairing them with professional counseling is recommended.
How long does it take to see improvements using these principles?
Many couples notice positive changes within weeks when they intentionally apply the strategies, but every couple is different and on their own journey. If you feel stuck in your issues, we recommend counseling to aid you in your healing.
Are there recommended exercises or activities for each principle?
Gottman’s book includes practical exercises to help guide you through each principle. If you are interested in reading the book yourself, get a free copy here!
