Heart to Heart for the Holidays: Staying Connected Amidst the Busy-ness
Written by Kristen White
It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. But, if we are honest, the holidays can be a gift that keeps on giving—stress. For couples already navigating tension, adding in extended family visits, financial pressure, children’s schedules, and unspoken expectations can feel . . . not wonderful.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. With intentional conversations and a little planning, the holidays can bring you closer. This season can become a time to deepen connection, learn communication techniques, help you understand your families of origin, and build meaningful traditions that honor both of you.
Use the conversation-starter questions below to guide your conversations toward a MERRY Christmas! Set aside quiet moments to talk, without distractions. Listen fully—without interrupting—and allow each person to express themselves honestly. Then, negotiate compromises or take turns deferring to each other on preferences. One of the most powerful ways to express love in marriage is by listening well, remembering what’s said, and following through. Writing down decisions and plans adds clarity and reminds each spouse how the other is serving.
M - Make a Plan
Before the whirlwind begins, take time in October or early November to talk about what you each hope for during the holidays. Especially in the early years of marriage, figuring out which traditions to keep, let go of, or create together is key to avoiding resentment and burnout.
What did you love about your childhood holiday traditions?
What felt unnecessary, chaotic, or stressful?
What feels like “too much” for us this year? What’s realistic for our parents—or our kids—to expect?
What do we want our Christmas traditions to actually accomplish? Are we pursuing closeness and meaning, or just going through the motions?
Where are we already noticing tension or communication lapses—around spending, family pressure, or decision-making? How can we address this constructively, before it builds resentment?
E - Explore Expectations
Much of our disappointment in life stems from unrealistic expectations—of other people, of feelings, of circumstances. Sometimes, having an honest conversation about what your families expect of you, what you’re hoping for this season, and what your assumptions are about how your spouse will support you can prevent resentment over unmet needs.
How are you hoping this season “feels”? Is there something specific you think I can do to help our home reach this goal?
What do you most want us to remember about this holiday season? What can we say yes or no to in order to achieve this?
I know we won’t be able to make every party, gathering, and performance that we have the opportunity to go to. Is there another way we could show love and support to friends and family if we need to say no?
How much is enough? Are we growing in contentment as a couple, or are we getting distracted from our overall family goals because of holiday pressures?
Are there expectations your parents had/have of you that are hurtful and you’ve never been able to share with them? How can I advocate for you in this?
R - Rein in Spending
Financial stress is one of the fastest ways to drain holiday joy—and your emotional connection. Take the time to honestly evaluate what you can afford (both time and money), and create a realistic budget you can stick to together.
How much can we truly afford to invest—emotionally and financially—in Thanksgiving, holiday events, and Christmas?
How important is it to you to give gifts to neighbors, extended family, or service providers (mail carriers, delivery drivers)?
Are Christmas cards a priority for either of us? Why or why not?
If we want a larger Christmas budget than we can afford, are we willing to take on extra jobs to pay for it? What will that extra time away from home mean for our relationship?
Do we want to host any dinners or parties? When, for whom, and what is our budget?
R - Romantic Moments—Even in the Busy
In the midst of travel and end-of-year deadlines, don’t forget to choose each other. The holidays offer a beautiful opportunity to create small, meaningful moments of connection—if you make space for them.
Have a candlelight dinner with your favorite seasonal playlist. Wear the flirty pajamas you pull out only in December. Be intentional about prioritizing each other—not just your family, friends, or to-do list.
If you find yourself turning to old stress relievers—like excessive drinking, porn, or emotional withdrawal—stop and consider: have you overscheduled your season at the cost of your relationship?
What’s one holiday tradition you'd love for us to start—something that would make you feel seen and valued?
Do you enjoy thoughtful gifts? An annual date night? Me doing all the wrapping? Picking out gifts together?
What are your favorite holiday treats you’d like me to try making for you?
During the busyness, how can I best affirm and support you? Do you love physical affection, verbal or written encouragement, quality time?
How can I pray for you during this season: what are your personal discipleship plans during this month, and how can I help make room for you to draw close to Christ?
Y - You-Are-a-Team Mindset
Marriage doesn’t thrive during the holidays by accident—it’s a gift you give each other through intentionality, honesty, mutual serving, and grace. As you move through the season, let love—not pressure—guide your choices. Be a team. Share the load.
Your spouse is not your competitor. She or he is not just there to do your bidding to make your extended family happy. Your spouse is your chosen person—the one you picked in the whole world to admire, comfort, and root for. That is a gift that keeps giving, not only for the two of you but for every life touched by both of you. Don’t lose that impact by losing respect for each other.
What is one way I have failed to show you that I believe we are a team? How can I improve in that area?
Is there anyone you’d like me to particularly show we are a united front during holiday gatherings? Anyone you desire I speak well of you in front of?
Are there any marriage-building activities you’d like to do next year?
Will you forgive me for _______________?
Home for the Holidays: Questions to Explore What’s Important
Personal Hopes & Feelings
What are you most looking forward to this holiday season?
What part of the holidays tends to make you feel stressed or overwhelmed?
What do you wish we could do differently this year compared to past years?
How do you want to feel by the end of the holidays?
Family Traditions & Commitments
What traditions feel most meaningful to you? Which ones could we let go of?
Are there any family obligations (on either side) that feel like too much this year?
How much time do you want to spend with extended family vs. just us (and the kids)?
How do we want to handle things if our families have conflicting expectations?
Gift-Giving & Celebrations
How important is gift-giving to you—and in what way?
Are there people outside of our immediate family you really want to give to?
Do you have a picture in your head of how you want Christmas (or other celebrations) to look?
Roles & Responsibilities
What holiday-related tasks do you really enjoy doing? What feels like a chore?
Are there any areas where you’d like more help or support from me?
How can we divide responsibilities (shopping, cooking, hosting, etc.) in a way that feels fair and doable?
Emotional Support & Connection
When you feel overwhelmed during the holidays, how would you like me to support you?
How can we stay emotionally connected in the middle of the busy-ness?
Is there anything you’re silently hoping I’ll notice or do for you this season?
Kids & Parenting
What do we want our kids to remember most about the holidays growing up?
How can we model healthy boundaries and generosity for them?
Are there ways we’re overdoing it “for the kids” that we could simplify?
